Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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