my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
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please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
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Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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