barbara walters just said penis...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
