went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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