God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
