does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
