Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
