I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
They have beer where we have blood.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
