the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
