I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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