Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
