I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
