I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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