oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
