They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
