This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
