meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
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Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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