The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
