in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
