how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
