I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
