I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
