I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
