: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
