The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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