i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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