Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
