I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
