Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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