Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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