I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
