New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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