im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
