The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
