Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
