Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
