Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
