this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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