my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
