Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
