my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
