I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
