I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
