I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
