My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
