you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
