Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
