i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
