I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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