i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
