My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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