last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
