All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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