She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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