i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
