i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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